It’s sad but
it’s true, and a hard lesson to learn for those who experience it. A positive
pregnancy test does not always end with a happy, healthy baby 9 months later.
In fact, 1 in 4 pregnancies in Canada end in miscarriage and 1 in 6 Canadian
couples experience infertility.
Here we go again
(or at least this is what we're thinking), with this being our 2nd miscarriage
this year...
But how did we get here? Here's a bit of our story, before we get to the present day sentiments:
So this brings us to present day...
This current miscarriage might sting a little more than our last one because it follows an initially successful In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF) treatment. We were SO excited to start getting positive pregnancy tests before Thanksgiving (just 6 days after our 5 day fresh embryo transfer). We received confirmation of our pregnancy just after Thanksgiving with OFC. Our bloodwork was looking so strong that they didn't even want to repeat it!
But how did we get here? Here's a bit of our story, before we get to the present day sentiments:
- In 2015, we tried for a year on our own, with no success. We were referred by our family doctor to the Ottawa Fertility Centre (OFC) where I was eventually diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and hypothyroidism. 1 in 10 women in Canada have PCOS. It can prevent women from ovulating naturally, among having many other difficult side effects (weight gain, acne, the list goes on...).
- During 2016, while under treatment with OFC, I took ovulation-inducing medication for 12 months. Unfortunately, all that those medications came with was a year of crappy side effects.
- In January 2017, after 2+ years of trying to conceive, we had our first attempt at Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) with super-ovulation (SO). It worked and we FINALLY got pregnant! We were ELATED, to say the least. Unfortunately, during our 7 week early dating ultrasound, we found out that the pregnancy was not progressing normally. It took 3 more ultrasounds and by 10 weeks, the doctor confirmed that we had a "missed miscarriage". We were obviously devastated and we were given options of what to do next. Initially I tried taking misoprostol to medically induce a miscarriage, however after 2 failed rounds of misoprostol and another 2 months passing by, we realized there were still retained products of conception and I needed a medical procedure to finalize the miscarriage. Finally, in May of 2017 (after 5 months of the worst roller coaster ride yet) I had a Manual Vacuum Aspiration (MVA). As our fortune would have it, this didn't work either, and I ended up having a D&C which was finally successful to terminate the non-viable pregnancy.
- Needless to say, we needed to take a break during the summer of 2017.
- In August 2017, we received a call from OFC that we were next in line for the Ontario government-funded In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF) program. This meant that most of the costs of the procedure were covered under OHIP (things like medication were not covered). We did IVF in September and it worked, and we were pregnant, again! After all that effort and pain, it was initially reassuring to know IVF seemed to have worked. We were cautiously optimistic and thought that after all our troubles, this pregnancy was sure to work out. However, all that reassurance came crashing down when we experienced déjà-vu and were diagnosed with our 2nd missed miscarriage of 2017. It took about a month of repeat ultrasounds to receive the official diagnosis, but we ended up having a MVA at 9 weeks and 4 days (of pregnancy) to treat the missed miscarriage in November 2017.
- Both of these missed miscarriages (or "silent miscarriages") were first-trimester “early” losses, but still heartbreaking nonetheless, especially following all of our struggles with infertility.
So this brings us to present day...
This current miscarriage might sting a little more than our last one because it follows an initially successful In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF) treatment. We were SO excited to start getting positive pregnancy tests before Thanksgiving (just 6 days after our 5 day fresh embryo transfer). We received confirmation of our pregnancy just after Thanksgiving with OFC. Our bloodwork was looking so strong that they didn't even want to repeat it!
However, we received an initial warning at our first viability ultrasound on October 27th, 2017. We
should have been 6 weeks and 6 days pregnant, but we were measuring only
6 weeks. It took about a month of repeat ultrasounds (3 ultrasounds over 3
weeks) to receive the official diagnosis of another missed miscarriage. By November
10th 2017, we should have been 8 weeks 6 days, but we were still only measuring
6 weeks 4 days and there was no longer a heart beat.
We ended up
having a Manual Vacuum Aspiration (MVA) at 9 weeks and 4 days on November 14th
2017 to treat the missed miscarriage. If you want to rant with me about our
Canadian health care system, ask me about ironically-enough having to go to an
abortion clinic to get the health care I need and deserve. This loss is
considered a first-trimester “early” loss, but still heartbreaking nonetheless.
Going through 3
years of infertility, with only 2 pregnancies and 2 missed miscarriages, is not
an easy road. Being pregnant or experiencing a miscarriage for 80% of 2017 is
not fun, especially when you have no baby to show for it. Life isn’t always
fair and not every infertility road has a happy ending - at least that's how
we're feeling at the moment. IVF is not always a miracle solution as
miscarriages are just as likely as they are with a natural pregnancy. This is
the unfortunate reality that I’m trying to accept right now.
No matter how
hard we work, we cannot control our life when it comes to fertility. This has
been a hard lesson to learn, since my husband and I have been people who have
been told and who’ve learned that when you work hard, and if you work hard
enough and for long enough, you can achieve your dreams. Unfortunately it seems
that this is rarely this case with infertility and recurrent miscarriages. Or maybe
we are just jaded and in a negative space at the moment... But these are our
current sentiments. Unfortunately, words of hope and prayers get wasted on us
at the moment - we feel we are more resilient and prepared when we are
realistic and prepared for the worst. All we need is for people to say “that
really sucks”. At this point in our lives, words of encouragement or
hopefulness are more hurtful than they are helpful because we feel that we can
not realistically live up to those hopes and prayers. Sometimes I miss our past
happy-go lucky, everything is sunshine and butterflies, younger selves...
Other than the
physical challenges of pregnancy and missed miscarriages, the emotional
rollercoaster can be rough. Due dates like October 22nd and June 16th will
always be difficult for us. Pregnancy announcements, baby showers, and even
socializing with our peer group often surrounded by their babies is very
difficult. We often feel left alone or left behind to fend for ourselves. And
thinking about trying again is not as easy as it might initially seem. This
will likely involve more testing from our fertility clinic in hopes to ensure I
don’t have scar tissue or complications from the procedures I’ve needed to
treat our missed miscarriages, forking out thousands of dollars to do genetic
testing to see if these two back-to-back miscarriages are just bad luck or if
there is another problem going on, a frozen embryo transfer (we only have 2
frozen embabies and there are no guarantees that those could
de-thaw successfully, implant successfully, or go on to become a healthy baby),
and the stress and anxiety of another embryo transfer working or not working -
all of these processes and scenarios are equally stressful for different
reasons and this process can take months.
Although this
miscarriage this time might have stung a little more because it was after IVF,
at the same time, it was a tiny bit easier because I was empowered. I knew what
resources existed in my community to help me get through this and I knew what
to expect. I was not alone and I had knowledge. Knowledge really is power. This
was the exact opposite experience I had with our 1st miscarriage. At that time,
I felt like I was in the dark and our medical professionals didn’t provide us
with any information to support us.
I have been
volunteering for the Butterfly Run Ottawa/Gatineau
this year. I can truly thank the Butterfly Run Ottawa/Gatineau for arming me
with this power of knowledge, this sense of pride, and this feeling of
community. Without the Butterfly Run, I would not feel as strong as I do under
these circumstances. It is for this reason that I’m choosing to share our
story. I hope that by sharing our story, another person might feel less alone
in their journey.
If you're
interested in reading more about my journey, here are some other
stories/snipits I've shared during our journey (writing and sharing has also
been helpful for me):
- Our first miscarriage announcement on social media
- Our 1 in 6 story with Fertility Matters Canada
- This personal blog journaling our experience with IVF
Also, I wanted
to caveat this post, or end this post rather, with saying I’m sorry if I share
my feelings bluntly or if they are not the most positive thoughts at the
moment... I don't mean to share these negative sentiments to offer
the cruel realities of infertility and miscarriage (perhaps the first half of
my post was a little dark and dreary). If you are going through this, or
something like this, and feeling hopeful or positive, I do not want to take
that away from you. Please continue to feel anything you are feeling! Every
journey is different, and our feelings can change throughout this journey.
Unfortunately, my personal feelings are not as positive at the moment, but I
still feel they are important to share. By sharing these feelings, I do not
want to take away your hope, but if by chance you are also feeling
something similar to me, I would like you to know that there is someone who you
can relate to.
XO Thanks for
listening! And hugs to you if you’ve been through or are currently experiencing
infertility and/or miscarriage. It’s not an easy road but hopefully we can make
it a smoother and clearer road together.